Underworld: Ad Nauseum

White Wolf, Inc. and author Nancy A. Collins filed suit against Sony Pictures, Screen Gems, and Lakeshore Entertainment on September 4, 2003 for copyright infringement. The suit, which included 17 counts of copyright infringement, was filed just a week before the theatrical release of the original Underworld. Collins alleged that there were over 70 points of unique similarity between White Wolf’s vampire role-playing games and the movie Underworld. Collins is the author of a short story, The Love of Monsters, published in 1994 by White Wolf Inc, which she claims is the basis for the entire plot of Underworld. The suit was settled out of court, for an undisclosed amount.

Underworld: Awakening is the fourth film in this franchise. Shortly after the conclusion of Underworld: Evolution, the vampire huntress Selene (Kate Beckinsale) is captured and incapacitated by humans. When she awakes, she finds herself in a world that is unfamiliar. Her body has been resting for many years in a deep hibernation inside of a human science laboratory. During this time, the humans that were once oblivious to vampires and lycans have now discovered their existence. Only a small fraction of the vampires and lycans have survived after the eradication campaign that was waged on them. While escaping the laboratory, Selene stumbles across a young girl named Eve (India Eisley) who has an interesting attribute. Her eyes have the blue pigment of a vampire and lycan hybrid. If this is true, she must be the descendant of Michael, the first hybrid and Selene’s love. Now, the last Death Dealer must rally the remaining vampire covens and lead them into a massive war against humanity.

The young Swedish directorial duo of Mans Marlind and Bjorn Stien will take the place of Len Wiseman for this fourth installment of the Underworld franchise. Their lack of years in the business may be exactly why their work seems so inexperienced. While there may not be any zombies in this monster film, it certainly feels like there are. The pacing plods along and drags its leg the entire time. Rest assured, if you decide to take a half an hour break to the restroom or snack counter you are not going to miss any important plot developments. Like the living dead, all you will desire is more brains. Even the special make-up and CGI graphics seemed inadequate compared to the previous films in this series. Computerized graphics that should have been impressively fluid only ratcheted whenever the characters joints moved. Facial make-up that was intended to be frightening was actually not worthy of a child’s Halloween costume. If Patrick Tatopoulos does not return to do the make-up effects, consider it a stake through the heart of this series. Costarring in the bloodbath of an action film are Stephen Rea, India Eisley, Wes Bentley, Michael Ealy and Kris Holden-Ried. Cameo appearances were made by Scott Speedman and Bill Nighy.

If you are a follower of this fantasy horror series, you may find this an entertaining way to waste two hours. Unfortunately, you are just as likely to find that it does not meet the standard of the movies that went before. No matter how much action, gore and tight leather you pack into a movie, without a story to support them, you will find yourself bored.

Just Who is Getting Robbed?

      Contraband is based on an Icelandic film named Reykjavik-Rotterdam. When the Icelandic film was made, the young actor Baltasar Kormákur had not yet begun his directorial career. In Reykjavik-Rotterdam, Kormákur played the lead role of Kristoph. Under the directional tutelage of his predecessor, Mark Wahlberg will now be playing the same role with a more Americanized handle of “Chris Farraday”.

In Contraband, Chris Farraday (Mark Wahlberg) is an ex-international drug smuggler with a reputation for once being the best in the business. Since he has cleaned up his act, he has married his wife Kate, had two sons and built his own security alarm company. Just when it seems he will never have to deal with the life he abandoned, his wife’s youngest brother Andy (Caleb Landry Jones) attempts to take up the trade. When he botches a job for the ruthless crime boss Tim Briggs (Giovanni Ribisi), he is put into the hospital. Now he has an enormous debt that would be impossible to pay off without breaking the law. If Andy dies before the debt is collected, his sister Kate will be responsible for paying it. Farraday is now forced to save his family by doing what he does best, smuggling illegal goods across national borders. With the help of his friend Sebastian Abney (Ben Foster), the reluctant smuggler gathers together his old crew. One final run to Panama stands between him and the security of his family. But within hours of his target, complications begin to arise.

This is Kormákur’s first American movie. Maybe that is why it always seemed that he was playing it a little too safe. This film should have been anything but safe. All of the ingredients for a successful action flick are here. Even so, something is still absent from this heist. The characters are so formulaic and one-dimensional that it is a struggle to even care what happens to them. As the plot becomes more convoluted, it is also more clumsy and harder to believe. Throughout the movie, Farraday’s cohorts and opponents refer to him as a “top-notch Houdini of smugglers.” If he is actually that skillful and suave, then why is he always so flummoxed when he hits stumbling blocks that most would consider obvious? It seems that Wahlberg is not putting all his effort into this potboiler of a January action film. Just like the “Marky Mark” days of old, Wahlberg has matured beyond movies like this one. Some of the best scenes were those starring Ben Foster. His intensely profound gaze always makes the viewer wonder what is really happening. Costarring in this international heist film are J.K. Simmons, Kate Beckinsale, Lukas Haas, Diego Luna and William Lucking.

While it is better than some January releases, it is appropriate for Contraband to be shown at the beginning of the new year. This is the kind of typical no-think action escapism film that usually packs theaters after the Oscar crowds have thinned. But these characters are so banal and dreary that escapism may not be the right word. Remaking Reykjavik-Rotterdam gives Kormákur another chance to play the smuggler. The only difference is this time he will be running your ticket price across the Icelandic border.

New to DVD: Midnight in Paris

Ernest Hemingway used to refer to his peers as a “lost generation.” Hemingway revealed that the phrase was actually originated by the garage owner who serviced Gertrude Stein’s car. When a young mechanic failed to repair the car in a way satisfactory to Stein, she shouted, “You are all a generation perdu. That is what you are. That’s what you all are. All of you young people who served in the war, you are a lost generation.”

In Midnight in Paris, the young couple Gil (Owen Wilson) and Inez (Rachael McAdams) are travelling to Paris as a tag-a-long vacation on her parents’ business trip.  Gil is a successful Hollywood screenplay writer, but he gets no pleasure out of it. Thinking he will find satisfaction, he begins to write a novel and only finds a new struggle. Upon arrival in Paris, the aspiring writer is enamored with and inspired by the famed City of Lights. He would like to move to Paris after marrying Inez. However, the bride-to-be does not share his romanticized idea of the city. She also does not agree with his anachronistic notion that the 1920’s were the “The Golden Age.” When Gil wants to take in the history of the city late at night, Inez simply goes dancing with her pedantic friends. Walking the streets of Paris at midnight, Gil finds the inspiration that his novel has been lacking. When these strange evening strolls become an every-night habit, the family begins to question Gil’s sanity and motivations.  These walks will take him closer to the heart of Paris but more distant from the woman he is about to marry. Soon Gil will have to confront the fact that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

Writer and director Woody Allen’s recent film Midnight in Paris comes out of the middle of left field. Not many people were expecting a sentimental and whimsical film from someone who is a self-proclaimed cynical fatalist. Much like the protagonist, this movie takes us on a magical stroll through an enchanting city. You could call this film a love story. But do not let that label deceive you into thinking that this is a traditional rom-com. This love story is about the love of a city, time, art, nostalgia, and one’s self. Owen Wilson does a terrific job of playing a Woody Allen surrogate. All of Woody’s eccentricities and long-winded ranting shine through. Not only does he succeed at mimicking Allen’s mannerisms, he also manages to make the character his own. This film is populated by many of the authors, painters and boisterous personalities of Paris’ Lost Generation. Some include F. Scott Fitzgerald (Tom Hiddleston), Ernest Hemingway (Corey Stoll), Gertrude Stein (Kathy Bates) and Salvador Dali (Adrien Brody). If you are a bibliophile or art enthusiast like me, it is the vast array of interesting supporting characters that will win you over.

Woody Allen has made a movie every year for the last 20 years but this one stands out above the perfunctory throng. Light hearted, charming and entrancing as the City of Lights itself, Midnight in Paris is a cinematic movable feast.  It is wonderful to know that Hollywood has found The Lost Generation again.

Horse Sense

While Michael Morpurgo was writing his 1982 book War Horse, he interviewed World War I veterans and researched horses of the period. An elderly man recalled to him that when the army came to town they bought as many horses from the residents as possible. Horses were used for cavalry and as draught animals, pulling guns, ambulances and other vehicles. After the war was over, one million British horses had died. Morpurgo extrapolates the total of equine casualties caused by World War I to be close to 10 million.

      War Horse details the extraordinarily strong bond between a boy and his horse. At the onset of World War I, many English families are struggling just to get food on the table. This is the plight of the Narracott family. If the handicapped veteran Ted Narracott (Peter Mullan) cannot plow the fields and plant a productive crop, his family will soon find themselves in the poor house. In a final act of desperation, Ted spends most of the family funds on a thoroughbred pony that he will train to work as a plow horse. Much to his chagrin, Ted cannot get the pony broken. Fortunately, his son Albert (Jeremy Irvine) instantly connects with untamed horse whom he names Joey. Over time and much training they become dear friends. When England goes to war, the Narracott family is forced to sell Joey to the British Cavalry. As Joey tries to return to his master he touches the lives of everyone he comes into contact with, including British and German soldiers.

Steven Spielberg’s new film War Horse is based on the children’s book by Michael Morpurgo. It offers us the rare opportunity to see both sides of the director’s personality. On one side we get a glimpse of a less sanguine Saving Private Ryan Spielberg. The scenes of trench warfare are grimly riveting and will capture your attention. The director’s ability to create a powerful image has not diminished in the least. It is very effective when you see battle hardened soldiers flying like rag dolls. On the other hand, we also see the unabashedly emotional E.T. side of Spielberg. The bearded maestro never fails to tug at our heartstrings. This film goes to great lengths to show that even though the story is set against the backdrop of No-Man’s Land, it is not an “us vs. them” story. No matter what their national allegiances, the characters in War Horse are written as people. While this is true, these characters are still very calculated and lack the subtlety that real people have. Characters were introduced in an obvious manner, almost as if Spielberg felt that we would not understand if he did not drive home the point. Costarring in this family friendly picture are Emily Watson, Tom Hiddleston, Benedict Cumberbatch, David Thewlis and Eddie Marsan.

Often in this film old-fashioned styles and filming methods summon up memories of cinematic classics like Gone with the Wind. Because the material itself is quickly absorbing, emotionally driven and only enhanced by the vast and beautiful landscapes of 1914 Europe, War Horse is a very watchable film. You could say that War Horse makes good “horse sense.”

Let Sleeping Dragons Lie

Swedish journalist Stieg Larsson died November 9^th of 2004 in Stockholm at the age of 50. He suffered a heart attack after climbing seven flights of stairs to his office because the elevator was not working. Larsson left behind manuscripts of three completed but unpublished novels. He had written them for his own pleasure in his free time and had made no attempt to get them published until shortly before his death. The first was published in Sweden in 2005 as Män som hatar kvinnor, which literally means “Men who hate women.” It was titled for the English market as The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Larsson never lived to see how successful his manuscripts would become.

The wealthy industrialist Henrik Vanger hires a skilled yet disgraced reporter Mikael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig). His assignment is two-fold. Blomkvist is to research the sudden disappearance and suspected death of Henrik’s niece, Harriet Vanger; a death that occurred 40 years ago. The second step is that he must disguise his work from the Vanger family. Henrik states that his rotten family tree is a collection of Nazis, anti-semites, sexual deviants and unstable recluses. All of them could have been responsible for this long since cold crime. But as the Swedish proverb says, “What is hidden in snow, comes forth in the thaw.” Blomkvist hires a pierced, tattooed and anti-social computer hacker named Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara) to assist him in organizing the many skeletons in the Vanger family’s closet. The deeper they dig for the truth, however, the greater the risk of being buried alive by members of the family, who will go to any length to keep their secrets tightly sealed.

In the recently made American version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, David Fincher channels Sweden’s arctic climate into the atmosphere of his film. In a stroke of luck, Sweden’s coldest winter in 20 years provided him with a setting that was just as unforgiving and austere as the films characters. Based on the first novel of the literary blockbuster Millennium Trilogy by the late Stieg Larsson the movie is certainly not for those who are faint of heart. Fincher provides a perverse cocktail of lurid passions that simultaneously repulse and hypnotize an audience. Mara was the picture of total role commitment. She aptly portrays Lizbeth Salander as someone who is damaged and vulnerable but at the same time explosively vengeful. Many have compared Mara’s performance to Noomi Rapace’s in the lesser known 2009 Swedish version. Was it a cash grab to remake this film that was already done well only two years ago? Realistically, no. How else do you tap a market of people who are willing to read a 700 page novel but refuse to read subtitles? Costarring in this mystery were Robin Wright, Stellan Skarsgård, and Christopher Plummer.

While Larsson’s story portrays evil and the criminal mindset in a more honest way than we are used to seeing, it isn’t exactly escapism. Almost three hours of grisly crime may actually be more of a downer than anything. Containing two highly graphic scenes of rape, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is decidedly “the feel bad film of this Christmas season.”

 

Great Snakes!

In the opening scene of The Adventures of Tintin, the title character is having a caricature portrait painted by a street artist. The painter is surrounded by many other paintings that he has for sale. These are actually the characters featured in various Tintin books and as shown in the inside covers of every Tintin book. The street artist himself was actually styled to look like Georges Prosper Remi, aka Hergé, the author of the original books.

A young journalist named Tintin (Jamie Bell) has just purchased a highly detailed model ship named The Unicorn. Soon, a mysterious man named Ivanovich Sakharine (Daniel Craig) eagerly tries to purchase the ship from Tintin for more than its actual value. When the boy will not sell his new find, Mr. Sakharine zealously resorts to extreme measures. He murders the FBI operative following him and kidnaps Tintin and his loyal dog, Snowy. Now on a cargo ship bound for Morocco, Tintin must escape the mutinous crew assisted only by the drunkard Captain Haddock (Andy Serkis). The captain tells the young journalist of his ancestor Sir Francis Haddock who was forced to scuttle the real Unicorn after being attacked by the privateer forebear of Sakharine. Luckily, he managed to save part of his treasure and leave behind clues written on small scrolls hidden in the model ships. Now that both Sakharine and Tintin are in possession of scrolls only one is left. This one is owned by the Sheik of Bagghar who keeps it under heavy security. Now this boy hero, his dog and the captain must get the third scroll and fulfill Sir Francis Haddock’s prophecy that “only a true Haddock will know the secret of The Unicorn.”

This year Tintin’s many adventures have taken him as far as Hollywood! Greats of the cinema Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson have teamed up to bring everyone’s favorite ginger haired journalist and part-time adventurer to the big screen. The Adventures of Tintin is only the first of two films that will span three different books including The Secret of the Unicorn, Red Rackham’s Treasure and The Crab with the Golden Claws. This whimsical whirlwind adventure that will take Tintin across tumultuous seas and bone-dry deserts is fun from beginning to end. The pace rarely ever slows to a sprint which enhances Spielberg’s several Raiders of the Lost Ark style chase scenes. Motion caption technology is used to give Hergé’s simplistic cartoon characters all the minute imperfections that any real person would have. These details are so immersive that it is easy forget the story and just concentrate on the beautiful art. In the first act, some moviegoers maybe rather confused about who Tintin really is. Spielberg never really provides a fully developed backstory for the world traveled boy adventurer. However, this may have been intended. Hergé gave Tintin very little background so that his readers would have an easier time relating to the book’s namesake. Costarring in this film were Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Cary Elwes, and Toby Jones.

You can see that Spielberg has put his love of the original books into this film. That same joy is contagious. It is always nice when you can leave a theater smiling. If all other 3-D adventure family films would live up to the standard set by ambitious sleuths like Hugo and Tintin, taking the kids to the theatre would be much more entertaining.

New Year’s Eve Drops The Ball

There is an old folk tale which has become known as “Stone Soup.” In this tale a group of starving wayfarers deceives an entire village into helping them make a delicious stew from only an iron pot and some riverbed stones. This old fable has been used in several different cultures to teach cooperation especially during times of scarcity. However, it also teaches us the more cynical lesson that if you systematically distract your audience’s attention with flash and pizzazz, there is a chance they will not even realize the soup they are eating has rocks in it.

Whether you love it or hate it, almost all of us can say that they have had the experience of watching the Times Square Ball drop. The recent film New Year’s Eve follows the lives of many New Yorkers as they intersect and intertwine with each other. One woman named Claire Morgan (Hilary Swank) has been charged with supervising the world famous ball drop. When an electrical short in the ball causes it to hang suspended over the crowds of revelers, Claire must solve this problem before the clock strikes midnight. Meanwhile, a woman named Laura (Katherine Heigl) caters a gig for the superstar musician Jensen (Jon Bon Jovi). She was deeply hurt last year because he left for a tour immediately after proposing to her. Still, she finds that she loves him. New Year’s Eve celebrates love, hope, forgiveness, second chances and fresh starts, in a web of stories told amidst the pulse and promise of New York City’s most dazzling night of the year.

Garry Marshall, the director responsible for Valentine’s Day, Runaway Bride and Pretty Woman gives us more of the same. This movie got a bad reception when it came out last year. The only difference is back then it went by the name of Valentine’s Day. The movie is a course in how a “Movie Mad-Libs” mentality flourishes in Hollywood. The script is prewritten for you. Simply insert 20 stars and you will have a profitable movie. The main problem is that the movie’s characters are badly underdeveloped. It is not possible to divide two hours of content into 10 different storylines and expect the characters to be profound or moving. By the time the film is over, you feel like you just met them because, in fact, you did. Most of the dialogue in this film is a deluge of dreck that is vapid, sappy and generally boring. You could easily find the same platitudes on the inside of a greeting card. When an undefined lay-about character played by Aston Kutcher is an acting highlight, it speaks volumes about the rest of the film. This rom-com was so jam packed with costars that all of them could never be listed in one review. A few included Robert DeNiro, Michelle Pfeiffer, Zac Efron, Sarah Jessica Parker and Halle Berry.

If you are looking for romantic comedy with an ensemble cast that is themed around a holiday do yourself a favor and rent “Love Actually.” You might actually get an enjoyable viewing experience out of it. When Matthew Broderick’s cameo is just a pretext to name his character “Buellerton,” it is time to ring in the New Year and call it a night. “Should auld acquaintance be forgot?” Who is to say? But by the time the ball really does drop, the acquaintances of this film will have long been forgotten. No matter how many stars Garry Marshall dumps into the gumbo of this film his viewers are still going to notice the giant stone sitting in their bowl.

Owner of a Clockwork Heart

In the flim Hugo, an orphan boy attempts to repair a damaged automaton. The assembly of its cam mechanism is heavily inspired by the automata of Pierre Jaquet-Droz. They were built between 1768 and 1774. These automata remain in working condition and are capable of drawing figures as complicated as the artwork depicted in the film. Many nuances were added to make them seem more human. The head follows the pen as it draws and dips in the inkwell. These automata can be viewed at the Musée d’Art et d’Histoire of Neuchâtel, in Switzerland.

Hugo Cabret (Asa Butterfield) is a young boy who lives in the walls of a Parisian train station. After his father died, he came into the custody of his drunken Uncle Claude, who repairs and rewinds the clocks. One day, his Uncle is nowhere to be found. Being fully trained as Claude’s apprentice, Hugo continues to repair the clocks in the usual fashion. The only thing that he has left that connects him to his deceased father is an automaton that does not function. Before it can perform its unknown task he must find its heart shaped key. While looking to steal some gears for his mechanized man, Hugo meets with a cantankerous old man named Georges Méliès (Ben Kingsley). When he notices Hugo’s sketched blueprints of the automaton he insists that the boy has stolen them from him and confiscates them. He says that if this kind of thievery continues, Hugo will be turned in to the station inspector (Sacha Baron Cohen) who is all too eager to send parentless children to the orphanage. In an attempt to retrieve his sketches, Hugo must enlist the help of Georges’ adventure seeking granddaughter Isabelle (Chloe Grace Moretz). As they begin to uncover secrets long hidden, the duo realize that one element connects all the people involved with Hugo’s clockwork man.

Legendary storyteller Martin Scorsese has jumped on the three dimensional bandwagon with his recent film Hugo. Not only does he jump on, but promptly takes hold of the reins to drive 3-D in a route of his choosing. Based on Brian Selznick’s award winning novel “The Invention of Hugo Cabret,” this film is an imaginative lesson in history that takes the form of childlike investigations. Normally, 3-D centric films are gimmicky. Scorsese manages to use this technology to draw us into a charming world until we are immersed in the story. Hugo is a love letter to the cinema. Usually movies about movies wax overly self-referential or nostalgic. This film takes a path focusing more on the importance of the preservation of the cinema. Because it is important to Scorsese, his passion is readily visible in the material. Kingsley gave the stand-out performance. His character’s pain and passion made this film profoundly moving. Costarring in this film were Chistopher Lee, Frances de la Tour, Emily Mortimer, and Helen McCrory. Jude Law made a cameo appearance as Hugo Cabret’s father.

You will pick up on the fanciful metaphor that all of these people are only cogs in the much bigger machine of the train station or even life. Whether it is the station inspector with the mechanized leg, the imposing bookseller or the couple rigidly trying to court one another, all their actions are like clockwork. If this movie can get young people’s gears to turn about the books by Selznick or even the films of Georges Méliès then it is something truly great. Like its predecessors, Hugo is the stuff of which dreams are made.

Sensational, Inspirational, Celebrational, Muppetational!

Frank Oz is one of the biggest stars that you will rarely see. He helped to breathe life into The Muppets, several Sesame Street characters and the Star Wars character Yoda. Oddly enough, when the new Muppet film was released he only said that he was disappointed. “I wasn’t happy with the script,” Oz explained. “I don’t think they respected the characters. But I don’t want to go on about it like a sourpuss and hurt the movie.” By the way, this will be the first time that you will not see Frank Oz’s name on a Muppet film.

To celebrate their 10 year relationship, Gary (Jason Segel) and Mary (Amy Adams) take a trip to Los Angeles. Because Gary’s puppet brother Walter (Peter Linz) is obsessed with The Muppet Show, the couple feels they should also invite him. While on a tour of the now derelict Muppet Theater, Walter overhears corrupt oil tycoon Tex Richman (Chris Cooper) plotting to buy it. Once he owns the property, the theater will be demolished and replaced with an oil well. They must now find the Muppet cast members in order to save the theater. Unfortunately, The Muppets have had a falling out and have been estranged for many years. With Kermit by their side these superfans plan to have a telethon and raise the ten million dollars needed to keep their beloved theater standing. The difficult part will be finding all of the Muppet cast members after so many years. Since they parted, Gonzo has become a high-class plumbing mogul. Animal, the once ferocious drummer of Electric Mayhem now seeks inner peace in an anger management clinic. Even Kermit’s porcine love interest, Miss Piggy, has left the nation to be the plus size fashion editor for Vogue Paris. As the drill draws ever closer, The Muppets must put on the performance of a lifetime.

As Kenneth Ascher and Paul Williams’ song “Rainbow Connection” suggests, we have been “half asleep.” Why else would we not realize that our dear friends The Muppets were somehow absent from the cinematic world? After a 12 year hiatus from making motion pictures, they have returned with a felt lined fury! The Muppets was directed by James Bobin and written by Jason Segel. These two men who previously have only coarsened our culture have taken up the banner to revitalize wholesome and enchanting entertainment. This kind of a triumphant return is what we have been wanting from our family films for so long. Bobin and Segel’s The Muppets is perfectly faithful to the comedic troupe’s original modus operandi. Their sense of humor is not mean-spirited like many others. They are just as madcap, witty and charming as they ever were. For those not well acquainted with these characters this is a good introduction that is very entertaining. Those of us who grew up with The Muppet Show should bring Kleenex. Seeing Henson’s vision brought to life again can melt the heart of even the most stoic reviewer. Jim would be proud. There are far too many celebrity cameos to list them all in one review but some include Jim Parsons, Neil Patrick Harris, Jack Black, Mickey Rooney and Zach Galifianakis.

In an idyllic musical number one lead character states, “I’ve got everything that I need right in front of me.” For a critic it is a relief when you can actually agree with a statement like that. Seeing children sing along with Camilla the chicken’s cover of a Cee-Lo Green song says that Jim Henson still connects with viewers of all ages.

Till Undeath Do Us Part

In The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1, Bella and Edward make eternal vows to love each other in holy matrimony. But this is not the first time that a vampire has entered into such a covenant. At the Viva Las Vegas Wedding Chapel, those looking for a more eldritch service can order their “When Vampires Fly” package. It is set in a creepy graveyard with a vampire minister. For Twi-hards looking to enter wedlock, they can also purchase the services of an Edward Cullen impersonator to officiate.

In this installment of The Twilight Saga, Isabella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is getting married. The girl we met in 2008 is about to tie the knot with her undead significant other Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and become a vampiress. Now, on such a joyous occasion in front of friends and family, what could possibly go wrong? Bella has changed her mind and wishes to keep her humanity. This raises many problems for the newlywed couple on their honeymoon. In the throes of emotion, Edward’s enhanced vampire strength could easily injure or kill Bella. He fears this so much that he will not touch his wife after their bruise-filled wedding night. Soon, the problems will be even more complicated. Bella discovers that she is pregnant with Edward’s baby, something that was previously thought impossible. The half-human, half-vampire baby grows exponentially faster than a normal child would and has the same enhanced strength. It is not long before the fetus begins to devour Bella from the inside out. Everyone will have to face these facts even Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) who now realizes that his tribe sees this baby and it’s mother as an imminent threat.

Bill Condon, the director who helmed quality movies like Dreamgirls, Gods and Monsters, and Kinsey brings us a film that is far from his usual standard. This films major flaw is lack of content. Using the kind of “split-book method” that made the Harry Potter franchise profitable did not turn out so well for Stephenie Meyers’ book series. The first half of the film consists of only slow and tedious wedding preparation and the honeymoon. But even once we get to the main plot, we only find it to be disjointed and riddled with many holes in logic. If a viewer who is not familiar with this series wanders into this movie, they will wonder why nothing is happening. Main elements of this franchise are tossed aside without thought in order to conveniently push the story forward. Apparently, this coven of vampires no longer sparkle even on the sunny shores of Rio de Janeiro. Condon’s use of tight and close facial shots is not doing anyone any favors. The make-up seems to have gotten worse. Peter Facinelli looked more like Liberaci smeared with pancake batter than a vampire. Maybe cosmetic funding was reallocated to CGI. If there was a high point to this film, it was the technology used to make Stewart look so ill and gaunt. Costarring in this romantic horror were Ashley Greene, Jackson Rathbone, Elizabeth Reaser, Kellan Lutz and Nikki Reed.

This film dragged on at an incredibly slow pace. It will give you the only the briefest flicker of interest in the next film. Chalk up another one to the studio money grab. “I know how this ends,” Jacob stated vindictively in this film, “and I’m not sticking around to watch!” There will be many that will sympathize with the young werewolf.